Another common stumbling block, and one that often follows on the heels of Stumbling Block #4, is what I call “self-editorializing.” Don’t be alarmed by the big name. It simply means talking about oneself.  This stumbling block occurs when the would-be listener shifts the focus from the speaker to himself by telling his own story. In fact, very often the roles quickly change and the person who was speaking is forced to become the listener. Whether done consciously or not, this action demonstrates a blatant disregard for the speaker’s emotions.

The following scenario illustrates this:

Mary and Fran meet at the grocery store late one evening. They engage in small talk until Fran begins sharing about a problem her son is having on the bus. As Fran tells Mary about the situation in which another boy bullies her son on the bus, Mary frequently interrupts Fran to ask questions. Unfortunately, what happens next is all too common. Mary begins to share about an incident that her son experienced on the bus two years earlier. Mary gives a detailed account of her son’s experience while Fran, though frustrated, patiently listens. The conversation never returns to Fran’s concern about her son’s situation. As the women depart the store, Mary feels really good that she was able to identify with Fran’s problem by sharing her own story. Fran, however, feels extremely frustrated and discouraged because someone she trusted did not allow her to process the struggle she was having with a difficult situation in her life. Her heart feels even heavier than it did before.

It is truly sad how often such a scenario occurs in real life.

 As listeners, we need to keep the focus on the speaker and not give in to the common temptation to talk about ourselves. Come to terms with the reality that a person who is in the throes of his or her own pain (or joy) does not want to hear about yours!

The purpose of an author’s blog such as this one is to create an awareness of and interest in the topic of the book that the author has written. Therefore, I don’t want to say everything that can be said about each of these stumbling blocks here or you would be disappointed not to learn more when you read Please Listen to Me! A Christian’s Guide to Reflective Listening. It is my goal, however, to briefly outline the things that many of us do in conversation that really are not helpful at all in allowing the other person to get to the real issue. My purpose here is in revealing just enough to pique your curiosity or whet your interest. Want to learn more? Hopefully you’ll read my book and be challenged and encouraged as others have been.

The first stumbling block I’ll address is that of ASKING QUESTIONS. I mention it first because it is very likely the most common tactic used in conversation. We’ve been taught that it’s a great way to begin a conversation, draw someone into conversation or gain more information about someone. For casual conversation, this sometimes works, but if you truly want to help the other person unravel the issue at hand, you must refrain from asking questions!

As I’ve said before, listening with your heart is not about you; it’s always about the other person. Asking questions makes it about you and what you want to gain. The answers to your questions are irrelevant and inserting questions only serves to side-track the speaker. The mother of a teenager will tell you that pumping her son or daughter with questions usually does not produce the desired result. No one wants to feel as if they are being interrogated. Questioning often causes the speaker to shut down. It does not provide a safe place for him to share whatever he feels the need to share.

Question-asking is a stumbling block to effective communication. If you don’t believe it, make a special effort to eliminate questions from your conversations for the next week (and I do mean effort, since for most of us it requires un-learning an ingrained, deep-rooted habit). Watch what happens as you get out of the way and allow the speaker to share freely and without interruption. I think you’ll truly be amazed at the difference it makes when you withhold the questions that come to your mind!

(I do provide information in my book on how to re-phrase those questions that come to our minds and present them in a more invitational format, a technique that will encourage and strengthen the effectiveness of your communication.)

Imagine that you are trying to walk from one location to another. In your path lies a huge boulder, a murky swamp and thick forest. Anything that prevents you from getting from where you are to where you want or need to be is a stumbling block. . . . those things that trip you up or detour or waylay you.

The same is true in conversation. When one person is in need of unraveling something or sharing information or just sorting through his emotions, anything we do as a listener that prevents him from getting to where he needs to be in the conversation is referred to as a “stumbling block.”

Often, the actions that we think are helpful during the conversation are actually hindrances! Many of the stumbling blocks to effective communication are things we’ve been taught to do from early childhood. It’s our culture, our way of doing things. However, all you have to do is look around you and you’ll realize that also very prevalent in our culture is poor communication skills. Misunderstandings and miscommunications abound! So, maybe the ways we’ve learned from little on up aren’t working as well as we thought? Maybe we’d do ourselves and those around us a favor by learning to eliminate those things that are stumbling blocks to effective communication? (I say “maybe” for the benefit of those who aren’t quite sure about this yet. Please note that I myself am quite convinced of this!)

A stumbling block is anything that prevents the speaker from getting to where he needs to be in a conversation or listening situation. A reflective listener must be proactive in avoiding these obstacles in order to allow for effective communication to take place.

In my book Please Listen to Me! I identify the 10 stumbling blocks to effective communication and will take a brief look at each one here. You might be surprised and even disagree with me on some of them. However, I stand firmly by each one because I have seen many times the wonderful things that happen when they are eliminated and an individual is allowed to freely share and make his way to the real issue.

Stay tuned…. Stumbling Block #1 will be discussed soon!