Over the past several weeks, we’ve been discussing the various things many of us do inadvertently that actually hinder our ability to listen to someone. I call these actions “stumbling blocks.” They prevent the speaker from navigating through their situation and getting to the other side of it, at least in conversation.

Stumbling Block # 6 is Changing the Subject. As I’ve mentioned previously, the focus of the listener in a listening situation must always be on the speaker. Anything the listener does to deter or disrupt that focus will serve only to impede the speaker as he/she attempts to get to the root of their issue.

There are several reasons why we may be tempted to change the subject when someone is sharing with us. The most common reason is because the speaker has begun to share something with which we are not comfortable.  Perhaps they have evoked in us some unpleasant emotion or memories which we’d rather not experience. The natural reaction is to steer the conversation to “safe” ground. Safe, but only for us. The speaker obviously has a need to share about that topic or he wouldn’t have brought it up in the first place.

Any time we divert the topic at hand to a different subject, we are taking control of the conversation and reducing or even eliminating the opportunities the speaker has to work through the issue and to find resolution.

Keep reminding yourself, “It’s not about me. It’s not about me.” The most important thing is not our comfort; the most important thing is to allow the other individual to process an issue in such a way (and to whatever depth is required) that ultimately allows emotional healing to take place.

Reminder:  Becoming a reflective listener rarely, if ever, happens overnight! It requires the desire to learn this skill and the determination to practice until you can effectively use it. Don’t give up! This skill can be learned by anyone. It is life-changing and the rewards are great — for both you and the person to whom you are listening. God will use you to touch the lives of others as you yield yourself to Him and set aside self in order to help someone else!

The following scenario illustrates this:

Mary and Fran meet at the grocery store late one evening. They engage in small talk until Fran begins sharing about a problem her son is having on the bus. As Fran tells Mary about the situation in which another boy bullies her son on the bus, Mary frequently interrupts Fran to ask questions. Unfortunately, what happens next is all too common. Mary begins to share about an incident that her son experienced on the bus two years earlier. Mary gives a detailed account of her son’s experience while Fran, though frustrated, patiently listens. The conversation never returns to Fran’s concern about her son’s situation. As the women depart the store, Mary feels really good that she was able to identify with Fran’s problem by sharing her own story. Fran, however, feels extremely frustrated and discouraged because someone she trusted did not allow her to process the struggle she was having with a difficult situation in her life. Her heart feels even heavier than it did before.

It is truly sad how often such a scenario occurs in real life.

 As listeners, we need to keep the focus on the speaker and not give in to the common temptation to talk about ourselves. Come to terms with the reality that a person who is in the throes of his or her own pain (or joy) does not want to hear about yours!

Another action, in this case a phrase, that serves as a stumbling block to effective communication is telling someone “I know exactly how you feel!” There are variations to this, such as “I know just what you mean!” or “I understand you completely!” that can be just as damaging, not only to the conversation but, in extreme cases, also to the relationship.

It’s very unfair and often very hurtful to tell someone else “I know exactly how you feel!” for the following (and more) reasons: 

• It doesn’t validate their own experience as unique to them.
• It doesn’t encourage them to work through their feelings and/or continue to process the situation. You are in essence telling them they don’t need to share any more because you already know how they feel and what they would say.
• It’s often followed by a shift of the focus from them and their situation to you and to your past experience. After all, you now have to justify your statement “(I know exactly how you feel!”) by sharing the details of your own experience.

The irony in this is that so often those who use such phrases to comfort, assure or identify with the speaker are really attempting to do what they believe is the right thing. Many times, they honestly believe that they are being helpful to the speaker. But, the opposite is true.

As listeners it is important to remember that the greater the loss or the stronger the emotion (whether negative or positive) the other person is experiencing, the more hurtful this comment can be. Truly, no one (other than God) can know exactly the heart or mind of an individual. Not even if you have just had the same experience they did… Not even if your own favorite pet recently died, or you also received a job promotion, or your family also moved 500 miles away, or you too were hospitalized with pneumonia for four weeks, or your spouse doesn’t treat you lovingly either….

Though the situation might appear to be the same as yours, their experience of it surely is not. It cannot possibly be exactly the same since you are not the same person they are. You each bring who you are — different background, different personality, different thoughts and feelings — to the “same” experience.

As tempting as it might be to say “I know exactly how you feel,” bite your tongue or do whatever it takes to refrain from ever making such a statement.

Remember, reflective listening is about the other person. It’s about providing a safe environment in which he can share, process, vent and find his own resolution. It’s not about sharing your story. When you need to share, process, or vent about something trust that someone  with a listening heart will be there for you. . .  but for right now concentrate on being that person for someone else.

When I tell workshop participants that an effective listener does not answer questions, a frequent comment I hear is “What!? Don’t answer the person’s question? That’s ridiculous!” Although it might sound ridiculous at first, please don’t discredit it until you’ve tried it and have experienced what happens. It is such an amazing phenomenon to observe.

It usually appears that the person asks a question because he or she wants you to give an answer. Some people make it even harder to resist answering the question by flattering you beforehand. For example, a person will frequently preface a question about education by saying to me, “Dick, you’re a seasoned teacher with a lot of experience. How would you handle…  ?” 

As I observe the person’s body language, I notice that he might look tense, confused or seem to be struggling. Nonverbals such as these are a clue to me that I should not answer the question. I keep in mind that he probably has something of importance to share and he is testing whether or not I’m willing to listen. 

In my book, I suggest four ways to handle those questions that you sense should not be answered. Not answering the other person’s question allows the  floodgates to open. They then can begin to pour out things that have been bottled-up for a long time, and the healing process can begin!

So often, after talking with someone who asked me a question which I did not answer, I’ll say to my wife, “I still cannot believe what happens when I don’t answer someone’s question!”  I encourage you to learn how to not answer questions—you too will be amazed. It’s a very effective tool in encouraging the speaker to share more openly and freely.

By the way, some people have challenged me with “What if the other person really does want an answer?”  I address this question in my book Please Listen to Me!

(If you are struggling with accepting that the things we are discussing here are actually stumbling blocks to effective communication, please remember that reflective listening takes place when one person has a strong emotional need to share or an issue to work through. We are referring here to a reflective listening situation and not just an ordinary 50-50% conversation. The reason an effective reflective listener doesn’t feel pressured to answer the speaker’s questions during a reflective listening situation is because he realizes that he doesn’t have to solve the problem for the other person. His job is to be a “sounding board” and to reflect what the speaker says. The focus must remain on the person with the issue IF the listener is going to be effective in helping the speaker untangle his emotions and allowing him to get to the real issue at hand. This happens most effectively when all stumbling blocks are removed.)

•  He realizes that most people just want to be heard and have their feelings validated. In most cases, they aren’t really interested in his input or opinion.
• He knows that it’s unlikely that the issue presented by the speaker is the real issue. Those who choose to give advice on the “presenting problem” are putting a temporary “band-aid” on an emotional issue that might require “surgery.”
• He remembers that listening is all about the speaker and helping him find his own solutions. Giving advice would only serve to shift the focus of the conversation from the speaker to him.
• He chooses not to run the risk of insulting the intelligence of the other person. Too often, when advice is given it is of the common sense variety or is suggestive of something the speaker has already tried.

Keeping in mind the belief systems of an effective listener will help to keep things in the proper perspective as we continue to discuss the stumbling blocks to effective communication.

And, as always, if you’d like to learn more, I suggest that you acquire a copy of the book for yourself. It is an easy-read how-to manual to becoming a better listener!

The first stumbling block I’ll address is that of ASKING QUESTIONS. I mention it first because it is very likely the most common tactic used in conversation. We’ve been taught that it’s a great way to begin a conversation, draw someone into conversation or gain more information about someone. For casual conversation, this sometimes works, but if you truly want to help the other person unravel the issue at hand, you must refrain from asking questions!

As I’ve said before, listening with your heart is not about you; it’s always about the other person. Asking questions makes it about you and what you want to gain. The answers to your questions are irrelevant and inserting questions only serves to side-track the speaker. The mother of a teenager will tell you that pumping her son or daughter with questions usually does not produce the desired result. No one wants to feel as if they are being interrogated. Questioning often causes the speaker to shut down. It does not provide a safe place for him to share whatever he feels the need to share.

Question-asking is a stumbling block to effective communication. If you don’t believe it, make a special effort to eliminate questions from your conversations for the next week (and I do mean effort, since for most of us it requires un-learning an ingrained, deep-rooted habit). Watch what happens as you get out of the way and allow the speaker to share freely and without interruption. I think you’ll truly be amazed at the difference it makes when you withhold the questions that come to your mind!

(I do provide information in my book on how to re-phrase those questions that come to our minds and present them in a more invitational format, a technique that will encourage and strengthen the effectiveness of your communication.)

The same is true in conversation. When one person is in need of unraveling something or sharing information or just sorting through his emotions, anything we do as a listener that prevents him from getting to where he needs to be in the conversation is referred to as a “stumbling block.”

Often, the actions that we think are helpful during the conversation are actually hindrances! Many of the stumbling blocks to effective communication are things we’ve been taught to do from early childhood. It’s our culture, our way of doing things. However, all you have to do is look around you and you’ll realize that also very prevalent in our culture is poor communication skills. Misunderstandings and miscommunications abound! So, maybe the ways we’ve learned from little on up aren’t working as well as we thought? Maybe we’d do ourselves and those around us a favor by learning to eliminate those things that are stumbling blocks to effective communication? (I say “maybe” for the benefit of those who aren’t quite sure about this yet. Please note that I myself am quite convinced of this!)

A stumbling block is anything that prevents the speaker from getting to where he needs to be in a conversation or listening situation. A reflective listener must be proactive in avoiding these obstacles in order to allow for effective communication to take place.

In my book Please Listen to Me! I identify the 10 stumbling blocks to effective communication and will take a brief look at each one here. You might be surprised and even disagree with me on some of them. However, I stand firmly by each one because I have seen many times the wonderful things that happen when they are eliminated and an individual is allowed to freely share and make his way to the real issue.

Stay tuned…. Stumbling Block #1 will be discussed soon!

Someone once told me, ”I’ve learned more from your courses than I have from my therapist!” Although I was honored by that statement, I knew that I couldn’t take the credit.

I have to wonder if we as a society are too quick to discredit the effectiveness of clear communication in our relationships. Do we realize the clarity that reflective listening can bring to our communications, the way it can enhance all of our relationships? Do we understand that providing a safe place for someone to share what is on his heart can validate his very existence?

What if the people who are stressed out on a daily basis or who regularly live in fear and anxiety had one close, trusted friend in whom they could confide? How might their lives be different? What a different place this world would be if everyone had someone to help them work through and sort things out!

Unfortunately, so few of us understand or realize the potential that exists in the skill of reflective listening to set the captive soul free. I am convinced that more people would invest the time and effort needed to learn and apply this skill if they really understood the power that reflective listening has in setting a person free from the things that prevent him from being the person God intends him to be.

“Come unto Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden [stressed, anxious, confused, angry...] and I will give you rest.” Jesus spoke those words. You can share Jesus with someone today by allowing them to relate freely and to get in touch with what’s on the inside. You can point the way to Him by listening with your heart!

Sure, we could all improve our listening skills. The good news is that it’s a skill and anyone can learn it! How quickly you become adept at it depends upon how badly you want to master this skill.

In reflective listening, the listener “reflects back” to the speaker what he thought he heard, and waits for the speaker to either confirm or correct him.

It’s important to remember that listening reflectively is not the same as carrying on a casual conversation. In a casual conversation, two people share equally, more or less. When reflective listening is used, one person (the speaker) speaks most of the time. It is no longer an equal, give-and-take conversation. The listener’s input is now reduced to simply reflecting — no lecturing, no questioning, no advising, and so on. (Tune in for a thorough discussion of the stumbling blocks to effective communication in later blog entry!)

Reflective listening is most helpful when an individual has a need to share what is on her heart, or wants to work through an emotion or resolve an issue. It takes a keen ear to listen for “signals” that alert us to the fact that the other person has a strong need to share something of significance to them. At the time when we become aware of the other person’s need to share, we must shift our focus from our own needs and concerns to the needs and concerns of the other person. It is then that we become the listener and they become the speaker. 

The listener allows the speaker to be in control of the conversation. The greatest help we can give the speaker is to get out of the way and allow her to express herself without interruption or distraction.

Listening reflectively is a win-win situation for both the speaker and the listener. By reflecting back to the speaker their own words or emotions, we allow them to get in touch with an issue or an emotion, to organize their thoughts and feelings. In order to do this, we must become “other-centered” rather than “self-centered.”  We learn to love our neighbor as we love ourselves.  We learn to listen with our heart, not just our ears and our eyes. We show patience and compassion, demonstrating love that travels from God’s heart… to our heart… to their heart.  

Listening reflectively is one of the greatest ways to let someone know that you care about them!

My own belief system was greatly challenged when I was first introduced to the skill of reflective listening. As I struggled with learning the skill, it was evident that I was far more self-centered than I realized. It was hard to not tell others about myself. I also quickly realized that I easily judged others. If you find that you have a hard time refraining from sharing your personal opinion and are quick to judge others, it will take a shift in your paradigm in order to become an effective listener.

Some highlights of the belief system of a reflective listener are –

A reflective listener believes that listening is more about the other person (the speaker) than it is about themselves.  

The challenge for all of us is to be someone who cares more about others than about himself. 

An important goal for those who want to become reflective listeners is to demonstrate love to others by providing a safe place for them to share their heart. This can only be done by setting aside “self” in order to focus on the other person. 

A reflective listener believes that he/she is not responsible to provide an answer or to solve the problem for the person he/she is listening to.

When my wife was first learning the skill of reflective listening, she said that realizing this was independently the most freeing realization for her. What a relief it is to know and accept the fact that you do not have the answer for the person you are listening to! In fact, that person has the answer for themselves. As a listener, it is simply your job to help them find it, uncover it, or sort it out. 

Another belief that should be freeing to you as you become a reflective listener is that just because you listen to someone without judging them does not mean that you are agreeing with them or condoning whatever it is they are telling you!  It is possible to appear neutral as the speaker shares from his heart, though inwardly you might not agree with what he is sharing. Remember, it’s not about you! It’s about giving the speaker a place to share thoughts or feelings or to work through an issue without being condemned, ridiculed, or belittled.

Believe it or not, what most people want is simply a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a friend to laugh with, or the validation of their feelings. The greatest human need (other than physical survival) is the need to be understood. What a hurting individual does not need is criticism, judgment, or advice. It would appear, based on the countless stories I have heard from people who have been hurt by well-meaning people,  that many of us believe that our primary God-given responsibility is to set the other person straight — even before understanding exactly what they are dealing with or demonstrating any compassion or love toward them!

For more insights on the belief systems of an effective reflective listener I encourage you to read Chapter 2 in my book Please Listen to Me!